Fatherhood

I'm 25, and haven't seen my dad in 17 years. I've seen pictures, and we speak on occasion (once every few months, if that), but as for actual face-to-face interactions, I can't recall any. All that really exists are vague memories that are hazy and possibly influenced by media; I'm not completely sure if they really happened. It's sort of weird trying to put into words what my minds eye sees. Imagine someone yelling a message to you from across a busy warehouse. The clarity of their voice sort of get's manipulated by any surrounding objects and chatter. It sounds nothing like if they were right next to you calmly speaking. That's kind of what the motion pictures in my head are like. They literally look hazy with tons of information missing as if they've been tampered with, or altered by whatever may be surrounding the vicinity of the memory. When someone's yelling across a busy warehouse, you can't be too certain of the message you're receiving; similarly the memories I have aren't held onto too confidently because they aren't clear and crisp as a memory should be, they're more or less blurry ideas.
-Another good way to describe it would be to compare looking through a cleaned window (a clear memory to be sure of), verses looking through those thick glass block walls (clouded memory with uncertainty as to what's on the other side).

I put a picture I had of my dad, next to one I had of me. 

On the back was a location and a date.

Why is this my entry today? I have no idea. I just spoke with my dad, and then felt I should write. I don't know his story. I don't know his past and what led up to the events that have unfolded in each of our lives. I guess I just want to state it for all to read that I hold nothing against him. I have no hard feelings or regrets. I have no sadness. Sure, I wonder about things, and have questions, but they don't stem from an angry or sad place.
These thoughts aren't newly conceived thoughts at the prospect of becoming a father. I've been cognizant of everything I've just said since at least high school. Rather than the news of the pregnancy leading to these insights, these insights have lead to heightened excitement for our baby to come. I finally get to be the father I always wondered about. My dad's dad wasn't around for his upbringing either, and this is my opportunity to break a mold while gaining a greater understanding of fatherhood and what it means.


To sum this all up: I was determined not to serve a mission up through the age of 20. In that year, I received an impression that if I did serve a mission my wife would be happy, and my children would be happy. I did end up serving a mission and I learned gospel truths at a depth I'd never learn in any other way. I returned home and was married to the amazing Sarah Lundblad, and now she and I get to be parents together; I get to be a dad. 

Not my baby. This is me and my cousin, Kai. 

But it's an image I like.

(Again, not my baby!)

I am confident that the things in our lives are designed in such a way that we can grow from them.


I just got a text from my dad, "We can make that happen. I look forward to that." I told him I thought we should meet up over Christmas break so he can see his grand-baby.


"There is nothing ugly; I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may, - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful" -John Constable