I began my current mustache the week of August 27. That makes this week my 5th week of growing. The purpose was to have my phenotypical mark of manhood to greet my baby boy into the world. Why? Because I'm a man, and I can.
Sarah has had a couple of girls come up to her, whose husbands I'm friends with, saying their husbands want to grow out their mustaches now, and they'll laugh about how silly boys are. I've had men come up to me saying, "Man, I wish I could grow mine out", or "nice 'stache, too bad my wife won't let me grow mine out". Well I have a few things to say about this...
The Mustache (and more)
What is a man's facial hair? Well, for one, it's something that makes him distinctly different from you (in most cases...). It's also an accessory, and one we can get away with. We don't have earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and hair-dye that we use to show people our style. What we have is God's given ability to grow hair from our face, and when you insist on how we groom, shape, shave, or fashion that accessory, it is not only stripping us of an attribute that makes us man, it is stripping us of some form of power and voice that we have in being the XY gene carrying man that you married. It is then no longer our accessory and image, in fact it's as if you've made us another accessory of yours. Perhaps if you insist your man shave, he should get to pick your clothing, do your hair, and get rid of the make-up.
Facial hair whether in the form of a full-on beard, a soul patch, a mustache, a goatee, mutton chops, or whatever variation that can be shaped using the latest and greatest shave technology in stores near you, needs to be explored by the man on whose face it resides.
Confidence
A man needs to know that he's a man. He needs to feel that identity. It can improve his competence, his confidence, and the overall way he carries himself. It can make him a more able husband, and "man of the house", and it can help equip him for the competitive business world in which we live. I know that there are other key indicators of "real" manhood; other ways to feel manly such as: Being a spiritual leader, respecting his mother, knowing it's ok to cry, being steadfast in his values, taking fault for his actions, knowing how to apologize, etc. But there are others that can't be ignored, and we are aware of them in ourselves and in other men, just as you are aware of the values within and around you of womanhood and femininity. Maybe it's 21st century America, or maybe it's just me in my little world, but I believe some of these things to be: Having a firm handshake, being able to throw a ball, being able to catch a ball, knowing how to change a tire, knowing which screwdriver is the phillips-head, and wearing a well fitted suit. I even love when Sarah asks me to do something as small as hang something up for her. Right in line with all of these somewhat silly, but very important, things, is the opportunity to grow facial hair. Each of these things is linked to my feeling like a man and what that means.
Your Arguments
Now, you may be inclined to defend your case and say "it hurts when we kiss". I know with Sarah, when it's time to kiss, it is time to kiss, and there is nothing that will get in the way of that. Besides, it's not like you're having nightly make-out sessions anyway (unless you're newly dating, let's be honest). You have likely endured the pain of his pricklies before. Why did you do it? Because it was the right time to make out, and facial hair or not, you were going to see to it that it happened.
Maybe you're concerned about his job or perhaps an upcoming interview. To that I say, let his boss tell him to shave. He may have signed a grooming standard with a company (or school) which he needs to comply with, so unless you too had him sign a grooming standard, he will be well enough instructed by his employer, and I can tell you he doesn't need it on the homefront too. With the interview in mind, I have a remark for the men. Just understand that people are going to make impressions based on your image. You may not like it, and want to fight that, as I do, but I'm also aware that I cannot change it. Use it to your advantage. I am judged within 30 seconds of any new encounter, and I know that.
Attraction - Maybe you just plain aren't attracted to him with facial hair or more specifically a mustache. The best tool to address this would be to reverse this role a bit. There will come a day when you try out a new haircut or color that just does not look right. How do you want your husband to respond? I'll tell you how. You will maybe appreciate his honesty, but you will definitely want his support and love. Why are we, as men, any different? I just said to Sarah, "I know you don't find the mustache attractive. How do you handle that?" to which she responded, "I just know this phase will end, and I look forward to that day". I can tell you though, that while she's "looking forward" to that day, she has not withheld her attraction to me, and there are times that when I shaved she had a hint of missing it; she had gotten used to it. I'm grateful for her supporting my choices so lovingly and patiently.
Important Things To Understand
This really only applies if your husband wants to grow facial hair, and you are guilty of discouraging it. It is for you that I'm hoping to shed light on the situation. Growing facial hair can be more than just hair, sometimes it can signify a quest. Then sometimes it is just hair, and sometimes it's rebellion.
If he has gone so long without growing it, just give him the go ahead, and heck, he may tire of it; maybe he won't last, these things can be just as annoying for us as they are you. You may win without any battle on your part at all!
Prophet of the LDS church, Thomas S. Monson said, "Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved". Girls support your husbands wishes as long as they don't compromise either of your morals and values. Guys, love your wife more than your facial hair. This is an attempt to back you up, but if your spouse still won't have it, just dodge the fight and shave.
Next time the topic of facial hair comes up, do your man a favor.
Think of the shower curtain you insisted on.
Think of your slightly feminin bedspread.
Think of the time he went to the mall with you when none of your girls could go.
Think of how he waits for you to finish getting ready when you should have left 10 minutes ago.
Think of all the purses you have.
Think of the frames you insist your photos going in.
Think of the new jewelry items you're asking for for this upcoming Christmas season.
Fashion and appearance is typically a female driven topic, but men need it to. We need to know that we can explore style and different looks as you have done so freely since the age of 5. We sometimes need to feel manly, just like you need to feel pretty.
Eloquently stated like a freaking gentleman!
ReplyDeleteWell here's my response:
ReplyDeleteFirst, I can totally see where you're coming from in terms of needing to feel manly and have a supportive wife who'll love you enough to let you do things she doesn't like. I can relate to that personally with my taste in music. A lot of the music I like listening to, my wife doesn't, and every week I go play in a rock band with my friends. My wife doesn't like the music we play, but she doesn't try to stop me from going. Because of how important it is to me, she supports it, and I can see how if a mustache is that important to you, it's right for your wife to support it. There are a couple distinctions I'll make though (setting aside my disagreement with the idea that a mustache is manly or attractive in the least bit. I personally think their just nasty, but you already know that).
I can play my music where my wife doesn't have to hear it. However, a mustache is on you all the time. You can't take it off and put it back on like a bracelet or pair of earrings. In that sense it differs from a fashion accessory, and there are ways to exercise your manliness that your spouse doesn't have to be exposed to any time she is around you. I also don't feel it's fair to subject your make-out buddy to painful facial hair, but I'm totally guilty of getting scruffy every week so I can't say much on that without being hypocritical. Hats off to the men who shave every day.
I did really like the point you made about not letting an argument like this divide your relationship. You made the point well that if it's that big of a deal to her, shave. I totally agree with you on the principle that if something is a really really big deal to one spouse, the other should lovingly support it. If your wife cared enough, I'm sure you would shave.
All you said is clear and concise, and most of which are thoughts I'm in agreeance with (esp the insight that she is able to remove her accessories), except this: "there are ways to exercise your manliness that your spouse doesn't have to be exposed to any time she is around you."
DeleteI agree that there are ways, and I mentioned a few. However, what's the point of feeling manly if you can't feel it around your wife? I believe a wife needs to always see her husband as a man. That doesn't mean you need to always be rough and tough and never look vulnerable. It means you need to find values of manhood and never let go of them (it would take a different blog to express what I believe manhood to be). I fully believe that they benefit from our being men. If ones wife doesn't see him as a man, then there are problems. If she sees him as a boy, or as a coward, or weak, he has become lesser in her eyes and respect for his patriarchal duty can be damaged. Of course, this brings to the table the question of, does her opinion of manliness take precedence over your feeling like a man? Ex. A girl who's grown up with a rancher/hunter of a father and country-boy brothers, may not see a city-boy businessman as manly at all. I believe the answer varies from relationship to relationship. A woman encouraging her husband not to be abusive, in my opinion, has the right perspective of manhood, but that may not make him feel like a man. There are opinions there that get worked out between those in the relationship. I kind of feel that if you're married then you have already established lines of not only who you are as a man, but also what she expects of you as a man, and that the marriage is a sign that you're preparing to make compromises for the benefit of one another.
There's a fine line that needs to be discovered by you. Hense the necessity that men explore the qualities of manhood. For some it is in abuse, and for others it is in protecting. For some it is in knowing how to fight, for others it is in knowing how to walk away. Some know sports scores, some it is in adrenaline rushes. And for some it is not in a beard, for others it is. Let it be said, that Sarah has changed some of the values in me that I used to see as manliness, and for that I am grateful. I've begun to see it her way, and I'm thankful for the super powers our sweet wives are gifted with!
This is for those men who need that element of manliness that they can't seem to find elsewhere. I believe spouses should support the cause of the beard with the understanding that it has the potential to instill feelings of bravery, confidence, surety, and power.
That statement, "There are ways to exercise your manliness that your spouse doesn't have to be exposed to any time she is around you," was meant to apply only to habits, activities, styles, etc. that your wife carries an explicit distaste for. As you mentioned, there are multiple ways to feel manly with or without your wife, and a couple should be able to compromise so that he can feel manly without damaging the relationship. It appears to me that we are in agreeance on matters of principle, and I apologize if I made myself unclear. ButIstillthinkmustachesaregross. Unless you can curl it like Captain Hook...Then it's cool. Of course I can't REALLY take a guy seriously who has one of those...Plus there's a long period of nastiness growing it until you reach that point. And beards...Beards are manly...I like beards...(Brian looks off into corner of room and daydreams as his train of thought takes him somewhere completely different)
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