Anyone who has known me long enough to hear me talk about dreams knows that I can have extremely detailed, vivid dreams, sometimes random and weird, but usually full of emotion and meaning. I've wanted to put many of them on here, but it gets to be a chore because of how much detail needs to be captured. Most mornings I wake up grateful for my midnight adventure, almost feeling exhausted or confused at why I'm lying in bed, when seconds ago I was hanging off the edge of a rushing train or fighting bipedal crocodiles. (Sarah and I have also woken up mad at each other for something that happened in our dreams).
Last night however, this "ability" of mine to have vivid dreams that seem to go on for hours, came as a bit of a curse. I awoke around 5:20 AM and called out Sarah's name with a shaky voice. I then grabbed my phone and wrote down my dream because I knew there must be a lesson to learn from it. I now quote from the "notes" portion on my phone (a lot of the short sentences were between battles to stay awake as I momentarily fell back asleep and sort of relived the feelings... it was as if I woke up splat dab in the middle of it and kept getting sucked back in):
"Worst dream that Sarah died. I could hardly function. I didn't want to go on living without her. It wasn't fair. I could hardly go anywhere without falling to the ground in tears. Something with her muffler caused her car to wreck. It took a while to realize that it meant I lost Sawyer too. Worst thought to wake up to. I would give up anything to never feel this way again. I felt, even in a dream, the worst pain I've ever felt. Sometimes I love dreams because of how real they feel, but not last night. Last night didn't seem fair to feel that much hurt. I woke up thinking it really happened, it was so convincing. I called for Sarah because I honestly thought she would not be home. She was awake and getting ready for work. I hugged her and said I loved her. I don't want her to leave. I feel like I need to be with her everywhere she goes today to protect her."
In my dream I remember seeing the crashed car. It was her silver mustang. I walked around it trying to piece together what had happened, looking for any reason to find someone to blame. I never saw Sarah.
Just before this dream I dreamt of my mom. Here's the rest of the note I made this morning:
"Also dreamt my mom died. She went to a dance and just collapsed but all the details were unclear; no one in my dream seemed to understand what had happened. I couldn't get answers from anyone. I woke up and after talking with Sarah, I texted my mom that I loved her. She reciprocated and sent a picture of her in a warehouse with a smiling face, sweat rolling down it, followed by a picture of the boxes she had packaged up while mentioning how many still remained. Another thing I hate to see. I want to work hard in life and in marriage so that I never lose my wife and so that I can give my mom a better future." I then told my mom, "I give you my word that when I'm a dentist I will live well enough below my means to get you out of the sweat shops".
I'm no dream interpretor, so I have no idea why such dreams of losing loved ones haunted my night. But I'm grateful I have them in my life, and if nothing else, I woke up appreciating them more. I love you Sarah, and ma.
About Me
- Zachary
- Mormon. Husband, and Father. Graduate student pursuing a Master's in nutrition.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Sarah Laughing To Tears
Neil Armstrong's passing led to Sarah and I's discussion about outer space, lunar landings, and spaceships.
The word "spaceship" got me thinking about the word "ship". Transportation units at sea can be called ships so I called them waterships, and then logically I wondering if that would make cars "landships". Sarah thought this was hilarious. Here's a video after the laughs started.
The word "spaceship" got me thinking about the word "ship". Transportation units at sea can be called ships so I called them waterships, and then logically I wondering if that would make cars "landships". Sarah thought this was hilarious. Here's a video after the laughs started.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Bike Restoration
Scored a free bike.
Removed major components.
Sawed 6 inches off the bars, removed majority of old paint.
Painted it green and white.
Took a gnarly spill on my way to lab where I then rolled into a construction sign that attempted to fall on me. Here's the culprit.
Sawed 6 inches off the bars, removed majority of old paint.
Painted it green and white.
Took a gnarly spill on my way to lab where I then rolled into a construction sign that attempted to fall on me. Here's the culprit.
I've always wondered: at what age do men begin to slow down and "take it easy" as they get older? 45 minutes after this spill my muscles are tightening up and I can tell I don't bounce off the cement quite like I used to. The answer is 25 years old. 25 is when I noticed I'm not 16 anymore, at least not physically.
On this note: To anyone familiar with the situation with my knees (click here to learn about it). They still aren't better, and I'm a week and a half into anti-inflammatory medicine prescribed by my knee specialist. I still can't crouch, or do butt kickers; the pressure is way too tight behind my knees. Not that I need to be able to do butt kickers, but those are some movements I'm unable to do. The next phase is an MRI.
On this note: To anyone familiar with the situation with my knees (click here to learn about it). They still aren't better, and I'm a week and a half into anti-inflammatory medicine prescribed by my knee specialist. I still can't crouch, or do butt kickers; the pressure is way too tight behind my knees. Not that I need to be able to do butt kickers, but those are some movements I'm unable to do. The next phase is an MRI.
Meet Sawyer
While Sarah talked with Auntie Ashley, Sawyer was raising the roof.
7 months (31 weeks), Sunday afternoon, August 19, 2012.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
My Religion
A dear friend of mine found himself in a position where in an instant he had to choose one of two options: stick to what he believed, or go contrary to it. He consciously chose the latter. He said to me, "I decided I would...". He made the decision in full awareness. This situation got me thinking about the influences of good and evil in our lives. I think no less of this individual. To me he is the same man before and after the instant. The only difference between the two is their past. With ease I would let him watch my child, and I would have no qualms with the decision. Through the situation my friend found himself in, I learned the power of Satan in our lives.
I'm reading a great book, "Wild At Heart", and John Eldredge says something we all need to recognize, "The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but is he a category we even think about in the daily events of our lives? Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you?... we, the enlightened, have a much more commonsense approach to things. We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet" (152-153). He also explains that in times past people recognized how real Satan was, but today we've become more lackadaisical about his reality. When we give him less credit, we're more open to his influence; when we don't recognize him, we can welcome him right in and never realize he's driving us. My friend is no less a man, he was simply driven in that instant by other forces stronger than he; he is not a bad guy.
Compare what I took from this reading with what I learned in church a couple weeks ago, along with a lesson I took from my New Testament class.
Church: The Sister missionaries came into our 3rd hour and discussed the power of the Holy Ghost in our lives. They bore testimony that more important than scriptural ability or people skills, when it comes to sharing the gospel, is simply having the spirit with us. God knows all; we are His children and He knows us. While I may not know what those around me need, He does, and if I am in tune, I may be an instrument in His hands. I also learned how it is possible to be active in the LDS church without necessarily being active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. However, if you make being active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ your prerogative, than you find that it also makes you active in the church.
Class: In Matthew 16:15 Christ asks his disciples, "Whom say ye that I am?" I had to really ponder this. How would I answer? I realized, in pretending to answer, that what I knew of him in that moment was only shallow tidbits talked about in scripture. It was nothing intimate as it should be. I realized I had become slightly distanced from who He ought to be in my life.
These 3 lessons combined made for a very powerful experience, and I feel it was a giant leap in my spiritual progression. The lesson: I wrote a letter to the above friend expressing my thoughts on what he was going through (some of it also questioning the motives in the church's history). I explained that this earth on which we live is... well... an earthly place. To expect the church to be flawless is silly. To expect perfection of any church is silly, and to those of you of different faiths reading this. Be patient in your faith. Pray, meditate, discover your values, and be patient and understanding with your leaders. It's an attempt at placing something of God within a world of sin. We have the influence of God here, but we are ultimately only man. We are living in the place Satan and his followers were cast (see Rev. 12:9). For me, I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I find myself a little scared to write this. Not because I'm ashamed; I'm not. But because many of you haven't heard/seen me speak/write this way. However, this is who I am and who I ought to be. My new attitude has been to try and be active in the Gospel of Christ first and foremost, while understanding that full activity in the established church I belong to will naturally be part of that. I'm trying to love my neighbors, to be patient, to forgive, to see potential in everyone, and to strive to have the Spirit's influence to guide my day. I've begun to listen to "churchy" music more frequently, and I look for more opportunities to serve my fellow man. As I've done this, it has made the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ an even more beautiful thing. I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, I believe He established a church, and I believe He died for me, and that He was resurrected. Furthermore, I believe His gospel was distorted over time following His death, and that it was restored through Joseph Smith. After that, the rest is easy. I am understanding to, and forgive, any flaws or shortcomings its designated leaders may carry.
My religion is that I am a Christian, and I'm a Mormon. My belief is that in this world we need the influence of something greater than us because as real as God is, so is Satan, and he does not want our progression. I believe Christ died for me, and because of that I can be made perfect. I believe all can be forgiven, and all can have changes of heart.
I'm reading a great book, "Wild At Heart", and John Eldredge says something we all need to recognize, "The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but is he a category we even think about in the daily events of our lives? Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you?... we, the enlightened, have a much more commonsense approach to things. We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet" (152-153). He also explains that in times past people recognized how real Satan was, but today we've become more lackadaisical about his reality. When we give him less credit, we're more open to his influence; when we don't recognize him, we can welcome him right in and never realize he's driving us. My friend is no less a man, he was simply driven in that instant by other forces stronger than he; he is not a bad guy.
Compare what I took from this reading with what I learned in church a couple weeks ago, along with a lesson I took from my New Testament class.
Church: The Sister missionaries came into our 3rd hour and discussed the power of the Holy Ghost in our lives. They bore testimony that more important than scriptural ability or people skills, when it comes to sharing the gospel, is simply having the spirit with us. God knows all; we are His children and He knows us. While I may not know what those around me need, He does, and if I am in tune, I may be an instrument in His hands. I also learned how it is possible to be active in the LDS church without necessarily being active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. However, if you make being active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ your prerogative, than you find that it also makes you active in the church.
Class: In Matthew 16:15 Christ asks his disciples, "Whom say ye that I am?" I had to really ponder this. How would I answer? I realized, in pretending to answer, that what I knew of him in that moment was only shallow tidbits talked about in scripture. It was nothing intimate as it should be. I realized I had become slightly distanced from who He ought to be in my life.
These 3 lessons combined made for a very powerful experience, and I feel it was a giant leap in my spiritual progression. The lesson: I wrote a letter to the above friend expressing my thoughts on what he was going through (some of it also questioning the motives in the church's history). I explained that this earth on which we live is... well... an earthly place. To expect the church to be flawless is silly. To expect perfection of any church is silly, and to those of you of different faiths reading this. Be patient in your faith. Pray, meditate, discover your values, and be patient and understanding with your leaders. It's an attempt at placing something of God within a world of sin. We have the influence of God here, but we are ultimately only man. We are living in the place Satan and his followers were cast (see Rev. 12:9). For me, I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I find myself a little scared to write this. Not because I'm ashamed; I'm not. But because many of you haven't heard/seen me speak/write this way. However, this is who I am and who I ought to be. My new attitude has been to try and be active in the Gospel of Christ first and foremost, while understanding that full activity in the established church I belong to will naturally be part of that. I'm trying to love my neighbors, to be patient, to forgive, to see potential in everyone, and to strive to have the Spirit's influence to guide my day. I've begun to listen to "churchy" music more frequently, and I look for more opportunities to serve my fellow man. As I've done this, it has made the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ an even more beautiful thing. I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, I believe He established a church, and I believe He died for me, and that He was resurrected. Furthermore, I believe His gospel was distorted over time following His death, and that it was restored through Joseph Smith. After that, the rest is easy. I am understanding to, and forgive, any flaws or shortcomings its designated leaders may carry.
My religion is that I am a Christian, and I'm a Mormon. My belief is that in this world we need the influence of something greater than us because as real as God is, so is Satan, and he does not want our progression. I believe Christ died for me, and because of that I can be made perfect. I believe all can be forgiven, and all can have changes of heart.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Brief Update
Sarah is 7 months pregnant and apparently doesn't look it; another person just told us she's tiny. It's awesome to watch his movements and feel his kicks; we've been able to see his hiccups really well which is new and exciting. Her feet swelled for the first time a few days ago, but she's thinking it wasn't just the pregnancy, but the combination of that mixed with her first day back at school (teaching 2nd grade this year).
I'm taking 3 classes: Analytical Biochemistry, New Testament, and Politics & Education. I'm enjoying all of them. I've made a schedule that I've stuck to pretty well for the most part. Up at 6:00 and asleep by 10:00 with studies, classes, and meals in between. There's a temple night in there, a date night, and a few workout times. I've gotten to incorporate DAT study on Friday and Saturday mornings and it's surprisingly being accomplished!
We love the new ward we're in. We've made some new friends and are excited to have gotten to stay around the ones we already had here.
Lastly, here is a video I made of some kittens that sort of live around here in the bushes, under the cars and stairs, etc. There is an owner, but it's sort of unofficial and the surrounding neighbors have their involvement with the cats as well:
I'm taking 3 classes: Analytical Biochemistry, New Testament, and Politics & Education. I'm enjoying all of them. I've made a schedule that I've stuck to pretty well for the most part. Up at 6:00 and asleep by 10:00 with studies, classes, and meals in between. There's a temple night in there, a date night, and a few workout times. I've gotten to incorporate DAT study on Friday and Saturday mornings and it's surprisingly being accomplished!
We love the new ward we're in. We've made some new friends and are excited to have gotten to stay around the ones we already had here.
Lastly, here is a video I made of some kittens that sort of live around here in the bushes, under the cars and stairs, etc. There is an owner, but it's sort of unofficial and the surrounding neighbors have their involvement with the cats as well:
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