♥ WITHOUT END

In my upbringing, I was a confident kid. One of the things I prided myself on was my independence.

I always longed to be independent of my mother. As she will be reading this, I'll clarify to avoid causing offense or hurt feelings. It didn't stem from a desire to be away from her, rather it's the desire to learn to cope and get by on my own; it's longing to know that I'm capable and soaking in new experiences that I can call mine. I'm not certain when or why I developed this attitude, but I have some ideas which I'll leave out for now. For the record: With this independence also comes the ability and know-how to ask for help when it's needed.

I remember going on "High Adventures" with Boy Scouts where we'd go off camping somewhere for a week each year. For some of the boys, myself included, it was our first times away from home for a whole week. We had many weekend campouts, and even more one-nighters, but seldom a week. With each of these trips there were different types of kids. There were the ones who would miss home on the 2nd day, then be fine; there were some who wouldn't be sad until the 4th or 5th day; and then the extreme where every day was a battle. In each of these cases, it sometimes brought them to tears. Then there were those like me, who were ready for another week out. Sometimes those kids like me will end up breaking a tooth on a diving board, (this instance was at a vacant girls camp with a pool and cabins we weren't allowed to sleep in because we were "men"). And sometimes, like me, they still aren't scared away from the emancipation and adventure. I won't make up reasons why I was ok with it because I have no idea. I just know I was fine.

This same attitude carried into relationships. I remember being very young and having my friends open up to me on a regular basis. I was the listener and advice giver, and I think I still play that role to some of them today. And truth be told, I love it. I love getting to hear a friend out, and try and help them through something. I love knowing they can open up to me. But, who I am today is definitely derived from how I grew up. I seldom poured out anything to anyone. I didn't really let others help me through things. There are a handful of my best friends who I really open up to and know my closet skeletons quite well.

I've had one serious girlfriend (before my wife). She, and other close friends, will know who she is. I have no idea whether or not she reads this but again I'll be sensitive in explaining my attitude on that, and other, relationships. It was never based on wanting to be away from them, but I never felt I needed them. It was even voiced to me not only by my wife when we were dating, but by other girls also, "I just don't feel like you need me", and I think they were right. Secretly, I was way too afraid of commitment to allow myself to become dependent on them. 

With all of this that has been said, it certainly needs to be stated that there are and were many times where I did and do need these people in my life; family, friends, church leaders. But for whatever reason, in most of these instances I didn't want them to know that.

Now to why I write all of this.

Wednesday at 5:30AM I dropped Sarah off at the airport. She's now in Texas and as of her last text to me, she's enjoying fajitas with her dad. Now this is still a new thing for me, and maybe that's why I'm doing it in writing. But I miss her like crazy. My best friend is gone after a year of not being apart; we went our whole first year without being apart for more than a full day.

I started writing the reasons I need her on our dry erase board, so I can really appreciate what I have. Now, this isn't a mushy list (Sorry Sarah). It's not the "why I love Sarah" board. It's a board where I note things when I realize I wish she were here.

-Own butt not as fun to slap

-There's no one here to make laugh (making her laugh is one of my favorite things to do)

-Feel more guilty being lazy alone

-The bed doesn't get made

-When I checked the mail and got a bill, I had to open it

-I stayed up until midnight because I didn't want to go to bed alone

-I have to go to the mirror to check my teeth

-My hair probably looks stupid and I might not match

-I can't feel Sawyer. It's a strange thing missing my unborn child.

-I don't hear a shout of "I want some!" coming from the bedroom when I pour my cereal in the morning

-I forget to eat snacks throughout the day

-The bed is colder

-There isn't a thermos with ice water lying around somewhere

-Clothes are harder to put in the mesh hampers because I don't tie them back up

-And lastly, for now, something I would not have done that Sarah did and I find it hilarious. I just noticed this today.

Sarah got an inscription put into my ring. And last night while I was missing her (and up way too late with no other ideas how to occupy this free time) I looked at it and felt grateful for her in my life. Then I felt artistic so I tied it above the bulb in a little lamp we have and took pictures of its sweet lighting effect.

"♥ WITHOUT END"

Miss you, boo. I Love you and need you.