When It Rains, It Pours

For those of you who are LDS, you know about Fast Sunday. For those of you who aren't LDS here's how it works: On the first sunday of the month the congregation as a whole will fast for whatever they're individual needs may be. In the actual church service the pulpit is opened to the congregation to come up if they feel so inclined, and to simply bare their testimony to the congregation. It's an opportunity to express gratitude to God and to publicly share what has strengthened them in the previous weeks. Great strength comes by listening to the stories and experiences of others, and the spirit is often (certainly not always) felt really strongly. I don't usually feel so inclined to go up, and if I do feel inclined, I admit that I'll often ignore it. It's a difficult concept for me to take that time away from someone else, especially when I often feel I have much more to learn than share. Today, however, I couldn't resist. I felt so strongly that I needed to go up, and I haven't felt it this powerfully in a long time.

Yesterday I took the GRE. Most, if not all, of the graduate schools I have looked at have the same minimum expectation for GRE scoring. To prepare for this I have taken a couple practice tests, as well as studied various topics that would be seen on the GRE. I also got a priesthood blessing to ease my mind, comfort me, and give me any divine counsel that may help me as I prepared to take the exam. During and after the blessing I knew I would do well. I was confident that I would hit the minimum requirement of the schools I'm looking into. Even during the test I just felt good about it, it was awesome. I finished the test, immediately got my results for 2 of the 3 sections (one of the sections has two essays that take longer to grade), and left with a smile on my face, even though I had no idea what my scores meant. Further investigation showed me that my scores were not what I needed them to be. On the verbal reasoning section, I am a little below the minimum requirement, and on quantitative reasoning, I am far below where I need to be. I went into it hopeful to do well, yet prepared to accept whatever I receive. I didn't actually expect to have to be accepting though; I really just hoped God would pick up the slack and help me answer what I could not. Maybe this did happen, maybe I shouldn't have even gotten the score I did, I'll never know. 

I'm a confident person, and I believe I'm someone who has many skills. Academics though, are absolutely my weakest area, to a degree that most people don't really know. People are often shocked to find that I am consistently a C student. It's not a surprise to me to score the lowest marks on exams in classes within my major. I have accepted that, for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I don't say "oh I'll just aim for a C", by any means. I still try. I'm as diligent and dedicated as I know how to be, but time and time again, it is not enough. After the GRE, I hit a low. I described to a friend that for so many months now I have held my head above water, but that my test results immediately pushed me under. I just felt sad, and confused. I found myself being extremely self critical. The worst part is that when I got home, I didn't even have time to reflect on this. I had to, almost immediately, head to campus to continue studying for my third Biochemistry exam on Tuesday. That was like adding weight to my hands splashing around above this water I'm now under. I have yet to pass one of these exams, and so I'm finding myself asking "why even study?". It took everything I had to stay in the library and outline chapters, and it reached a point where I was having to exert even more energy to hold back the tears that just wanted so badly to fall. Even now, I feel like a ninny writing this, I absolutely hate to admit that this is such a trying experience. I just feel emotionally, spiritually, and physically drained; like I have NOTHING left to give, yet the semester isn't over, and I must keep fighting. 

The reason I felt I needed to go up and bare my testimony is because I was feeling ungrateful. I feel as though I am in a dark cloud with no idea what direction I need to go to get out of it, or as said before, I am under water, and I have no strength to get myself above the water. I have prayed, and pleaded with the Lord, but I don't feel stronger. I do know that I'm where He wants me to be (or at least I hope so), and that in days, months, or years, however long it takes, I will be able to look back and see the purpose behind all of this; but for now, I don't see it; at all. I needed to bare my testimony and say that I am grateful. I'm grateful for my wife, for my son, for worthy priesthood holders around me, for close friends I can rely on, for this university, for my Savior, and for many other things that actually matter. I felt as though I needed to remind everyone that it is in these times, when we are at a complete loss of what to do, that we must call on Him more than ever. We need to call on Him always, but to take these as signs that He is not there is absolutely foolish and a mistake. It's easy to love God when life is good, but to love Him and remain faithful during hard times is the truest manifestation of our faith in Him and devotion to Him. 

I'm still without a clue as to what I need to do next. I'm terrified about my future. The future of this Biochemistry class, the future of next semester (it will easily exceed this semester in difficulty), the future of graduate schools, etc. But I know there is a plan. My only sure move is to remain faithful.

Here's the kicker though. Yes, there's more. Today bishop called me in to speak with him. This is how that conversation went:

Bishop Murdock: "Come in here real quick, it'll take 10 seconds. 6 seconds. Maybe 4 seconds... You're going to be our new Elders Quorum President. Think of who you want as your counselors. Good luck. When it rains, it pours"

Me: "...Ok."

I'm terribly intimidated and humbled, but anyone reading this needs to know how grateful I am for this opportunity. I feel confident that it's what I should be doing, and I'm honored to have the opportunity to get to know the men and their families in our ward; to serve them to the best of my ability. What bishop said about "when it rains, it pours" could not be more true for me right now, but rain is essential. Rain cleanses, purifies, and provides growth and life. Hopefully I'm not a cactus...

The weather today: Storming. Seriously, it's thundering and pouring rain. I have heard it thunder in Hawaii, maybe 4 times in our 2.5 years.

All day yesterday, all day today. Just rain to anyone else, 

symbolic to me.

P.S. Sarah and Sawyer are healthy and well. Sawyer can walk now (though he still chooses to crawl), and looks to be finally plumping up since we have him on 3 cups of whole milk a day. He can climb onto and off of the couch, as well as all kinds of chairs. He's even learned he can climb onto the couch, and then extend the gap to get onto the kitchen table. He can climb up and down stairs. He opens all of our cabinets and loves everything inside. He also loves to climb on top of the toilet (we keep the lid down). He's 13 months today.
Things he can sign:
hat
milk
eat
water
bye/hi
tree

Things he can say:
mama
papa
more
no
thank you ("da do")
texas
ezra (his bff)


UPDATE: All of the above was written 2 weeks ago. Today, Sunday Dec. 15, 2013, everything is official. I am the new Elders Quorum President, and the two men I've chosen as counselors are great examples and dear friends of mine, Chase Buie, and Skyler Chambers. I am so excited to get to work with them, and learn from them, as we rely on inspiration and divine guidance to serve the quorum together. I have a few friends who may find this article of interest; it discusses what the LDS believe on the doctrine of priesthood, priesthood keys (authority), and the responsibilities therein.